That time the Wizards won by 30….


I have a good friend named Mike who has a successful grandfather, who always wanted season tickets to a local sports team. He chose the wizards and got court-side seats. Every now and then Mike takes me to a game and every time i revert to being an obnoxious teenager. I heckle the opposing team’s players mercilessly (whose bench we sit next to) I over do it at the free buffet, and I always steal the free cookie from the seat next to mine. (they don’t need a cookie) For some reason though, tonight was very special because the Wizards entered this game against a mediocre Nets team in a bit of a slump. So without further ado i would like to share the extent of my night out at the wizards game.

  1. Arrived at the game early, ate hot dogs and drank diet pepsi that I didn’t pay for. No i didn’t steal it, it was freeeeee.
  2. Took and posted two instagram videos about how I arrived and finally made it (like, in life) after all those years of suburban bliss I am now a member of the 1% sitting down low, looking up high and wondering why the people in the 400 section even show up
  3. A bemused John Wall gives the faintest nod of acknowledgement after taking the court for tip off as i yell “LET’S GO JOHN WALL” (let’s go where? who knows, but we should go…
  4. The game starts and the wizards immediately begin pummeling the Nets. I decided that this was the perfect time to begin my verbal assault of my Nets chosen victim, Mason Plumlee. (more on that later)
  5. I find out which Lopez brother is on the Nets and immediately begin screaming at him that his brother is way better. (Is this true? I do not know but i am a heckler and don’t care. I don’t need facts to yell nonsense at millionaires)
  6. Early into the game Mason Plumlee is trying to save a ball going out of bounds, and while stopping short before going into the stands, pushes the beer lady into the first row of seats. The replay shows that this push was completely unnecessary, beer goes everywhere, and he does not help her up. Instead he turns towards the bench with his arms outstretched with an irritated look as if to say “why are these people here contributing to my retirement fund by paying for overpriced beer that I have now spilled on everyone including myself.” At this point i am out of my seat beside myself screaming at the Nets bench that Mason Plumlee is the worst person to walk the face of the earth and that includes the likes of Idi Amin, Adolf Hitler and Scar from the Lion King. During the next game break there is a lull of silence and I yell directly at him during foul shots “EVERYONE HATES YOU MASON PLUMLEE!”.
  7. Security comes up to me and warns me that heckling the players can get me ejected. I assume this is because of my #blacklivesmatter sweatshirt and rightly contribute this unprovoked hate attack to the haters of the world trying to hold a successful black man down. (don’t forget i’m in the 1% now)
  8. Quietly watching the Wizards go up by 20.
  9. See Michael Eric Dyson sitting about 10 feet from me, and I yell “YEO ERIC DYSON CAN I GET A SELFIE????”
  10. take selfie with Michael Eric Dyson, post to instagram
  11. Wizards go up 30, and the dance team comes out with free t-shirts
  12. Menacingly stare down a dance team member with my hands up until she cautiously tosses me a shirt to get me to stop
  13. Kevin Seraphin dunks, and the ball bounces to me. Realizing this is my crowning life achievement and the closest i will ever come to playing in the NBA, I pick up the ball and throw it back at the no name Nets player in bounding it. Notice a photographer sitting nearby, who is enjoying my in game antics. I say “hey next time i need pictures”. (note that I now have one assist in an NBA game)
  14. The wizards are up 30, I take a picture of the bench and post it to instagram (everyone hates Mason Plumlee still, he’s now on the bench
  15. God is clearly amused by me at this point so somehow the ball rolls over to me again, and this time I look at the photographer and give him my best Marshawn Lynch “you know why I’m here” face and begin posing. He takes a few pictures, and after deciding that the game should continue i throw the referee the ball.
  16. Wizards win, and I menacingly stare down a wizards pep squad member until he throws me a souvenir foam basketball
  17. The Wizards stop their slump in spectacular fashion. You’re welcome DC.

Thanks again for the tickets Mike, it was a great night.

(Look on my instagram for the pictures @ohitsbigron or on my twitter for my in game commentary using the same handle.)